may 28th twentyten

no more

click image to enlarge (and read).

the finest frenzy

click to enlarge & read

©RRL

when we were young, we were small but we didn't know it.

the sun is at my back and I am swollen with anticipation to feel its warmth on my face; to be kissed again by that splash of golden favor, like it is to be kissed by you. that day on the beach, with the sand under our feet, and the wind whispering secrets through our hair - you were my sun, and I stared straight into you, squinting, like I wanted you to be the last thing I ever saw.  daylight passed between the cracks of our hands, holding on to each other as tightly we could bear to grip while still so new and excited and scared. the fear we shared at falling into each other was beautiful and mysterious, both of us sure it was the sign of something so big, so real, that we were made to be subject to its glory. and I was am subject to you. out of fascination and adoration and the sheer power of a trusted love. I am always trying to find a new piece of you to take with me, to wrap in my heart-folds for safe keeping. we walked and talked and kissed and laughed and while staring up at the awning of stardust that covered us, my head in your lap, struck by your strong, gentle profile, I had the sudden notion that you were my angel. I asked you what the brightest star in the sky was, and you answered sirius. I told you that you were my sirius: the light in my deep, life-filled sky. and there are all of these moments that are so small and sporadic that you forget to notice them until they're gone. until they're spiraling off into the atmosphere like day old exhales on some long lost high way, with you in the cracked vinyl passenger seat wondering why the stars look so lonely.  and you think about how they seem like they're some broken bits of something that was so much grander once. and you think about the way he made you feel when he held your face in his hands and sang to you by the ocean side: no one in sight but the bone-white moon. and how he made you feel like you were some broken bit of something so much grander. and when you're alone in your bed at night you try to drag those moments out of their coffins and quicken them, give them back their names. because it's the most important part of who we are and why we're here. we're always striving to figure out who we are and why we're here, aren't we? all of the snuggling, the words, the chalk drawing in parks, the games, the crying, the falling asleep on the phone, the prizes, the failures, and what is it all for? I think we all wrestle some innate desire to understand what it's all for. we come out of the womb questioning this strange place, desperate for our cries to be heard. we dance around in circles, not knowing what it means when we hear someone say "to be truly alive" for the first time, and from that moment forward we strive, with every fiber of our being, to achieve that sufficiency - that "truly alive." we dance around in circles, running into each other while taking pieces of this place and trying to embed them into a living mural, our living mural, our own personal masterpiece. because we're all so desperate for our hearts to be understood; desperate to be a part of something grander than this one universe, this one life, this one voice. seeking for the highest mountaintop with the greenest grass and the bluest flowers, to stand upon and scream "I am here. I am right here. I am young and restless and naive, but I'm still something. I am right here, and I feel everything. Can you find me?" Can you find me?